I found the pain the hurts you and the pain the changes you. You have to learn to drop or erase in your mind the most painful words the someone said or told you. You become a stronger person than the one trying to break you. As a child your told you're told stupid, not wanted, or even fat and it continues throughout your entire life. The pain of the words never leave you, no matter how many times you may get slight hug. There is more emotional or physical abuse to write about but not at this time. The scars never leave you, they are just piled on top of each other. This is the pain that never leaves you and it causes such an ache in you, you feel persecuted. But, you can choose, change to be stronger or let it weaken you to be alone
Some get stronger and move forward, some keep it and have a very bitter, hard heart. They are hard to love, they have no trust in love, the blame is spread all around. It's never their fault, its everyone else, they push you to the limit to love them. I learned to take all this inside and walk forward, I learned so many lessons and see the world different. Become stronger and not grow bitter. How can you do this when the pain is the focus of everything you do.
I have learned in the past few months I am not alone and many of my friends have been with me holding me close. Some reach out with their words and give me encouragement to get everyday. I lost my best friend and that was the day I lost hope, but I realized I had other best friends. Their words, their hugs were not the same as hers, she got me. But then I lost another best friend through disrespectful words, at a hurtful time, she spit out words during a angry time. We are repairing that relationship, but it will take time. That's another blog. That pain, that disappointment, that loss during a time of need, it hurt. Feeling alone again, I found myself thinking why and when is this pain ever going to stop. It won't, so look up and listen to my own past words, I can, I will find a way out of the dark. The light I see is the one I start, fight the urge to stop, stand up as bad as it hurts. Find the courage to ask for help. Head down, I feel embarrassed, quietly I ask, help me. All my playbooks I used in the past are not working, I went through them and the pages are worn. I need some new ideas.
More than two types of pain, emotional trauma, moral trauma, physical trauma. Now I know, the Marine Corps I made decisions that were affected my moral code. I carry a burden, lay it down, I did my job and took out the trash for them. I made them look squeaky clean to the public, another blog for another day.
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