Years ago in a journal I wrote this entry for and it caught my attention and I thought about it as I read it and it was still in my heart. To whom it may concern.
Your asking yourself, alone and not wanting to be here, in pain, with no one to talk to in the middle of the night, and one way out, death, you say let me go. I say in a letter address many times to whom it may concern, is anyone listening to me. No, I’m talking to myself inside my mind. A half dozen years ago, the life I saw in your eyes, the life I saw in my own eyes, the passion for life in the voice of my friends was energizing and I wanted to stay here. The synchronized steps that I took with my friends, as we walked in life together took the pain away and I said nothing. Sometimes we get lucky, and we get to share that walk with so many beautiful souls. I went through some painful journeys, but I was gifted many wonderful adventures, to share that is the memories that stop you in the middle of the night. You smile and remember, you stop the thoughts of leaving this life and sharing more days. The travel was exciting, we are blessed with life everyday in the eyes of our friends, the spirit and energy they give us to live. When we have none to give ourselves and we are fallen in spirit, and you look around they are gone its time.
To whom it may concern. I would like to leave now. I am finished with this life, I would like to be excused. I would like to bow out gracefully and with your permission. I would like you to come help me sort through what I have, and let me deliver it to my loved ones. To whom it may concern, please I am in pain and I continue to find a new adversity and new issues everyday. It’s exhausting walking alone, with a cane, no thanks, with walker, no thanks. I have learned structure and how to cope with a minimum of time limits when I can function. It’s becoming restricted like a noose around my neck tighter and tighter. I can’t breathe, like looking at the inhalers they gave me. The nebulizer machine when I get short of breath, or the nitro in my pocket when I have a chest spasms from stress. Another medication to offset the last, another doctor to find out the continuous domino affect of a body broken. The body that broke by pushing it too hard from years poor choices, no, quick recap. Wearing some gear the government thought women could wear, but was meant for average size men. Running to keep up, going at 110% to stay ahead to prove a point that I was good enough. I chose that, and I have no regrets, it was my choice. Tough and taking it, I chose to take the pain then, but now, I am emotional and mentality searching for help. The physical pain is overwhelming, when you emotionally and mentally don't have the capacity to fight. To whom it may concern comes to mind when go to VA and I feel like I'm end up begging for help. Like your asking for a hand out. Pride and honor. You walk away.
To whom it may concern. I do this alone. Helpful or harmful to stay here and be angry about fighting this everyday. Waking up in pain every night at the same time all night looking the pills, thinking. Thinking, take one more and write a letter to whom it may concern. But I need to get these things to my loved ones and not leave a mess. My leg won’t stop pounding, I put the compression sleeve on, I can’t feel the leg anymore. I invite that pain to distract me from my back. That surgery wasn’t such a success, but it had to be done. The discs were herniated and the spine twisted, I've been told too many times I don't reflect enough pain. I hold it in and have been that person was not communicated or talked about how deep I was crying. I wasn't crying and letting my friends in, only a small circle of two or three may of knew the pain. The night and pills became my friend and I was addicted to the dark. That feeling of numbness was my friend from the pills, I caught myself and it had to stop.
To whom it may concern. Its like a hammer in some spots and other it hits with a hot knife and it never stops. I gave my all through my life, I served my country, but I did because it was I needed to do to have a life away and stop the family cycle. The problem was it cut short with decision my others to say I had to leave. I served through a time when women were making a statement that we deserved to wear the same uniform and just be called a veteran. Not just a female veteran, but a US veteran, to have your mind go back to hazing and hear the same words, to be dismissed, to be ignored that you have no place here. I served with honor, I was not given a choice when my career cut short, diagnosed with something in medical terms that was unserviceable. Unwanted, unneeded, time to go. I left with dignity and honor and took it without asking another question, because I felt I was being thrown out like the trash. The trash I had cleaned up for them for years, now I was going to quietly walk away, because that's the honorable existence I had lived and reflected to my troops. But I had inside my heart was broken, why were you throwing me away. I had so many letters and people stating I was good enough to make it, I could do my job, I did my job. But, take out your own trash that's what legal people do, take out the trash. Clean up the trash, I can never explain what this trash and what I saw and keep it in my memories. The files are in my head and I may never let anyone know how what really is going on. Keeping it all in, what you see, what you hear, what you cleaned up, it haunts you like ghosts later in life.
To whom it may concern. May I be excused from my life.
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