Looking back I have written this letter a hundred times and destroyed it.. I looked back into a review mirror many times and wondered what should I have said, where should I have gone from where I grew up. I am right where I need to be looking in the review mirror at all people who tried to hurt me without their intentions. they gave me table scraps and I turned into a chef without their knowledge...table scraps turning nothing into something of value. I’ve dumpster dived to find other trash and turned into a creation that is of value to me. It’s looking into a mirror and seeing nothing, because you were told you would be nothing. Struck down and scrapping together whatever you could find. Emotionally empty and learning late in life that it wasn’t you it was the them. You chose the right path and knew what it meant to have little or nothing, watching and not understanding the anger or what it was going around you. To learn to love with scraps from others , you took little and often said it was enough, but it wasn’t you, you wanted more. Starving, aching in pain for more, nervous to ask for more afraid to lose what little you had. Knowing that it was table scraps, and seeing others getting more you didn’t deserve it, did you. Look in the review mirror, leave it behind. Walk forward to a future at any age, you can always deserve a little more for yourself. Afraid to lose that little crumb of hope your hanging on to, stand tall. Has this life not been tough enough, pain unbearable and love lost. You give of yourself, but others expect more of you, because you give them all you have... consistently and constantly. Hidden away from others in your pain you recover and then re-emerge energized and take on their burdens and walk their path for them. As if they stopped and dropped their load on you, they are lightened and can move on. Listening and earnestly trying to give your best advice without bias, from a lifetime of disappointments and failure, and choices by chance. Look in the review mirror and if those around want the advice, they will take the advice from the chef of life. I have taken table scraps from others and moved through life. Believing it was enough, starving for more. As an overachiever you will find another way to fill that void. Yes, I said overachiever, the confidence comes from within that I master other areas of my life. I find another path to walk and master it. I will give all I have to be noticed, the attention I lost, I craved. I will find somewhere, with others.
But, the void is still there, your heart is half full. when you fall out of grace, you will fall hard. Look in the rearview mirror, you took table scraps and made a meal. Then further in your life and being heartbroken and alone, even when your with someone. You took scraps and learned to cook for them. Look in the rearview mirror, the table scraps you have now, are not scraps. You have made a five course and ten course meal so many times. The gift you have is the people who gave the ride to look in the mirror. Appreciate that, rest your head against the glass look back, the sun is setting. Your getting another chance. Its not table scraps, its another day, be hungry and find someone to share the meal you have prepared. Your life everyday has made you hungry to share your meals. Its the knowledge of your failures, that you have to give others. Is that your gift, the knowledge of your ability to rise above and make table scraps taste so good. I know spices, I know what to put together and what not put into cooking.. That's a lot like life, I made choices that looking back were gut wrenching and to this day. Hurt me like hot nails all over, it saddens me, as if someone put a concrete block on my chest. Look in the rearview mirror, I got another ride, someone gave me some scraps, some love just a little, not a lot. gut punched again. I cooked, but it didn't work. I can make a house smell so inviting, your mouth will water. You ate, but will eat more. Too many times, I took the scraps and lived the life alone with someone. Its one sided, but I have a question. I know what its like to be the one wanted, and now I am on the other side. That's my penance for years of emotional avoidance and now I know what the secret ingredient is, the spice that was missing. Being humble, being quiet enough to listen to your own heartbeat. Enough is just a hug, a word of kindness, a look, a smile, a touch, a caress across the cheek. Table scraps is enough, back to where we started at the end of my life.
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